Growing up without my biological father around I was always sort of freaked out about becoming a dad. I literally compiled numerous books on "being a daddy" and devoured them. It was a bit like preparing to be a professional sailor without ever having seen an ocean. (OK...I'm not quite sure if that illustration makes sense to you but it does to me.) Don't get me wrong....I always wanted kids! I just didn't feel like I had what it took to be a great (even good) dad.Then my daughter was born. One day soon after her birth as I watched her coo and poop it suddenly occurred to me that whether I liked it or not she was counting on me. Whether I felt ready or not she was ready and expecting me to be her daddy. Not perfect. Just competent.
A few years ago John Mayer wrote a really intense song called "Daughters". If you haven't listened to it for a while I'd encourage you to pick it up on i-tunes after you read this. It's actually one of my favorite songs of all time. Probably because of my own experience of being estranged from my dad. Every time I hear the following line from that song I do a double take:
Oh you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made
So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
I'm not sure why I started thinking about this today. Maybe it's because me and Heather took our little one to the park today. As she played in the sand and obsessively picked the pine straw out of her bucket, placing it in it's own orderly pile, I started to see a lot of me in her. I couldn't help but stare. And wonder at the miracle of life. And pray in a whisper that when she's 29 like I am today...... she won't be cleaning up the messes I have made.
I am a dad.
1 comment:
I get that. sometimes I wish that I could keep my kids really safe. Even from me... and then I look at how my "daddy wounds" are part of the fabric of who I am. (and how I touch others.) I have found deep places with Jesus in the healing and restoration. So, most days I'm not too worried about where I'm less than perfect. Most days.
On the other days, I try to remember to breathe and I have to remind myself. (ususally more than once.) that my children will have available to them the same precious healing touch that I have had. Most days, I'm not afaid to let them have thier own journey ~ even when it includes my foibles.
Most days...
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